Exhausted

Oh my word I'm shattered.

Not just a bit tired, not I've slightly over-done it and a quick nap will pep me up tired, not even I need a week-long holiday tired (just had one, didn't help.)

But really and truly and properly deep bone tired.

This might be due to the following happening in the past 10 days:

• camping. Lovely as the toasting marshmallows and the company was, I was right, it really isn't for me. Made it through one night with the cold and no sleep before giving up and heading home for civilisation.
• a few nights in the Lakes. Beautiful but insanely active. Trying desperately hard to grab every single moment of movement and enjoyment does come with a payback.
• return from hols to a series of emails which appear to consist of other people getting increasing frustrated, arguing in passive-aggressive ways, threatening to quit the project and painstakingly copying me in. (I am freelancing at the moment, it's a new thing and a bit tricky to get my head round.)

I am aware that's a crazy amount of activity so I should be a bit pooped. But the problem with MS (well, one of the problems with MS obvs, as there are a fair few) is that any level of tiredness a normal person may have is leapt upon by an opportunity-grabbing faulty immune system and exaggerated by at least 3 billion. (If tiredness can exaggerate, then so can I.)

MS is essentially a lot of dragging ourselves around in lead-filled wellies through cognitive smog and emotional quicksand. 

There's a lot of cotton-wool thoughts. There's a lot of scrambled sensations. There's an awful lot of yawning, blank stares and missed points in conversations.

However, despite this, I'm not quite at genuine MS fatigue levels.

I'm not yet at the point where I've needed to sleep for 12 hours, crawl to the bathroom then lie on the floor by their toilet for an hour before having the energy to crawl back to bed. That was an enjoyable relapse.

Nor am I at the losing speech point of tiredness or the overbalancing and falling into the kitchen taps level, so I should be grateful really.

But if I don't get a bit of self-enforced shut down soon, it might be the bathroom floor for me again soon. And not in a fun overload of pink gin way either.

:: Exhausted by Foo Fighters