Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive

I had an interesting chat with my MS nurse earlier this year.

I’ve had a few of these, but in this particular one we were discussing upgrading my medication.

Background: It took me 10 years to agree to drugs (although when I was first diagnosed, we were still in the watch-and-wait era) but I finally had such a doozie of a motor relapse just after I started my new job that I agreed to Avonex. Twenty months later and another relapse shows Avonex is not working, so it’s onto either Gilenya or Tecfidera. I have yet to decide which side effects I fancy.

This latest relapse took the bulk of my colour and normal vision in my left eye and, because it’s my eyes, remains my scariest relapse yet. I initially panicked then cried a bit and then bought an eyepatch, carried on working and braced myself to wait and hope for recovery – if ultimately only partial.

I thought I’d done quite well with accepting my situation, until my nurse suggested to me that I might be in denial.

Oh.

Initially I agreed – she’s the expert and would know better than me.

But then I did a bit of proper thinking about that particular relapse, and to be honest, a bit more about MS in general than I usually do. And these are my thoughts – bit jumbled but let’s try:

It’s possible there are bits of me that might still be in denial, even after all this time, but I’m not sure that’s the full picture.

Some of my response is simply wanting to appreciate the moments when I’m ‘well’ - or at least the well I’m at now rather than the well I was pre-MS almost 13 years ago.

Some of it is that I’ve just considered myself to be quite lucky with my relapses and recoveries – recovery has never been 100 per cent, but it’s been enough - so I just try my very best to remain as optimistic as possible while also being very mindful to not take those recoveries for granted.

I think when there has been the degree of recovery I’ve experienced – or maybe it would be better described as the ‘degree of recovery that I am very grateful for’ (perhaps not the same thing as an impressive medical recovery) then I don’t like to dwell too much on what might or might not happen.

And I know that bits of me will never recover but I’ve just got so used to the parts that don’t work that I’m mainly just happy with those that do.

So if this is denial, then I guess I’ll take it.

If it’s acceptance, I’ll take it.

If it’s the power of positive thinking, I’ll take it.

Although that very phrase makes my entire body want to cringe.

:: Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positive by Bing Crosby