Love to hate you

Me: *drinking tea, reading peacefully*

MS: *crashing noisily through door, arms full of heart-shaped balloons, chocolates and flowers*

Me: *sighing, marking page in book* Oh hello.

MS: *opening arms wide, dropping gifts everywhere* Hiiiiiiya.

Me: Subtle entrance as ever, I see.

MS: Now, now, don’t be like that. No sarcasm today. For today is the day that I, yes I, represent love! Kindness! Appreciation! And also chocolates.

Me: *suspiciously* Well, that’s nice. Any reason?

MS: Duuurrrrr. It’s Valentine’s Day, you dope and I bring the love. All the love. I am an incurable romantic.

Me: You're incurable. There's a difference. *think, narrows eyes* Stupid question, but these presents - are they for me?

MS: *laughs hysterically, slaps thighs, wipes tears away* No, you deliciously defective dope. They're for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me: Yes, thought so. And - do please bear in mind that I am reluctant to ask this - why?

MS: Well, my little brain-scrambled friend, today is the day that we celebrate our very significant others. The date we cherish and reward those who permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being.

Me: *grits teeth* If by ‘permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being’, you essentially mean ‘just won’t go away’ then yes, I guess that is you.

MS: I know! Fabulous isn’t it? Never mind these *gestures at pile of gifts on the floor* just think what I’ve brought you in the 14 years we’ve been together. Oooh, 14, that’s lovely isn’t it? Matches today’s date and everything. It’s like we were meant to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me:*drops head into lap* And what, exactly, have you brought me in those special years?

MS: Well, if you didn’t have me, you obviously wouldn’t have experienced the high adrenaline thrills of losing control of parts of your body at totally inappropriate times…

Me: Errr…

MS: ….the exciting challenge of huge life decisions involving all that really important stuff like work and children and money, the late-night ambulance rides and LOADS of thrilling medical tests that – if you had to pay for them – would bankrupt you, yet you get them all free…

Me: Errrrrrmmm….

MS: ….the bracing freedom of having to tell complete strangers your personal medical details, the character building admin of appointments/insurance/official claim forms and applications, the indulgence of spending days in bed because you just can’t move, the early independence of letting your daughter do things without you because you're wholly incapable….

Me: *mouth agape*

MS: …..close your mouth please, cherub, we are not a codfish.

Me: And in what world, is any of that a good thing? Seriously what has any of that proven? I can’t believe that you have the barefaced cheek to waltz in here like a diabolical Lady Bountiful and start throwing the contents of your entirely appalling Pandora’s Box in my face.

MS: *pouting* Bit OTT. Come now my little grump muffin, let’s not fight, It’s Valentine’s Day.

Me: *muttering* Nothing, that’s what it’s given me, nothing.

MS: *huffing* Actually, I think you’ll find it’s shown you the strength you didn’t know you had, the patience you always needed and the courage you always doubted.

Me: Hmm, okay. I’ll give you that.

MS: And it’s also made abundantly clear the love that surrounds you.

Me: Okay, well, er, thanks.

MS: Seeeeee, and you wouldn’t know all that if it wasn’t for meeee. Seriously I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Me: Bit misleading.

MS: Don’t be ungrateful. *gathers up flowers, chocolates and balloons* See you soon my luscious life partner and perhaps I’ll bring you another one of my unexpected treats next time.

Me: I’d rather you didn’t. *starts Googling divorce lawyers*

:: Love to hate you by Erasure