Bad romance

Me: *humming to self, waiting for kettle to boil*

Letterbox clatters. Huge padded envelope appears on doormat.

Me: Oooooh, early Valentine. *trots out of kitchen excitedly to collect*

Doorbell rings.

Me: *opening door* Hello? *no one there* HELLO?

MS: *Leaping suddenly out of bush and running through door brandishing gigantic red plastic gun*

Me: Oh good grief. *sighs* Hello.

MS: *Pulling Charlie's Angels stance * Hiiiiiiiya.

Me: Hi. And to what do I owe the pleasure this time?

MS: Do I need a reason to swing by and see my favourite little damaged poppet?

Me: Well, no, not usually. To be honest you do just drop in without warning - quite often just when I'm in the middle of trying to piece everything back together from your last visit.

MS:  Aaaah, I like to leave a long lingering memory of myself. A bit like an exotic perfume, the taste of high quality dark chocolate, your favourite flowers...

Me: *under breath* A poop that just won't flush...

MS: *suspiciously* What was that?

Me: Oh, nothing, nothing. Erm, what's that?

MS: Oh! This is my new toy! It's a love gun!

Me: It's a what now?

MS: A love gun! A gun of love! You know, bringing kindness and happiness and joy just in time for Valentine's Day.

Me: Mmmm. Yes. I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick a bit there.

MS: What?

Me: Well, love gun, it's not exactly a gun, it's more of a....

MS: Yeeeeeeeeees?

Me: More of a different thing. Anyway, why are you here with any kind of shooty thing?

MS: Ah yes! Back on to me. I am here to present you with this! *picks up and holds out card* Well, go on, open it.

Me: Have you brought me a Valentine's card?

MS: Ooooh, so exciting! Open it and see! Open it! Open it!

Me: Yes, alright, give me a minute. My hands don't work as well as they used to thanks to your last visit.

MS: OPEN IIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Me: *sighs* Right, opening. It's a..........oh.

MS: I know right? Amazing?

Me: It's not a Valentine's card, it's a letter from my neurologist with my MRI results

MS: I know, I know! Exciting isn't it? It very poetically points out everything that's wrong with you after your last relapse! See all that detail of your defectiveness? See how your current meds aren't holding me at bay? See all that rapidly evolving severe stuff? Spectacular isn't it?

Me: Ah...

MS: Yes! Yes! And look at that bit - the bit that says you'll have to choose a new medication. I know how you simply love doing that, so what could be more suitable for Valentine's Day?

Me: Well...

MS: And that's not all. De de de de derrrrrrrrr *waves gun above head*

Me: I can resort to violence?

MS: NO!! Why would you want to be so mean to me?

Me: Reasons.

MS: No, I've bought you this so you can play a nice little game I like to call Treatment Roulette.

Me: Ah.

MS: Yes! This gun is fully loaded with your options. This one has a risk of cancer, this one can damage your eyesight and this one runs the risk of a fatal brain infection! And guess what, guess what - this really is the best bit - it might be that NONE of them EVEN WORK! Go on. Spin the barrel, pull the trigger.

Me: Hang on, don't I get a bit of time to think about this?

MS: Time? TIME? Do you really think you've got a lot of that left?

Me: Well, er...

MS: Well, of course, take your time if you want, but I'd advise you not to take too long. Never know when I might drop in again. *Pauses* Well, best be off, places to be, mischief to cause.

Me: Okay. Bye then.

MS: *waltzing out door* Byeeeeeeee. See you next time.

Me: *slamming door shut* Oh flush off.

:: Bad romance by Lady Gaga

Bad valentine

Me: *drinking tea, reading peacefully*

MS: *crashing noisily through door, arms full of heart-shaped balloons, chocolates and flowers*

Me: *sighing, marking page in book* Oh hello.

MS: *opening arms wide, dropping gifts everywhere* Hiiiiiiya.

Me: Subtle entrance as ever, I see.

MS: Now, now, don’t be like that. No sarcasm today. For today is the day that I, yes I, represent love! Kindness! Appreciation! And also chocolates.

Me: *suspiciously* Well, that’s nice. Any reason?

MS: Duuurrrrr. It’s Valentine’s Day and I bring the love. All the love. I'm incurably romantic.

Me: You're incurable. There's a difference. *think, narrows eyes* Stupid question, but these presents - are they for me?

MS: *laughs hysterically, slaps thighs, wipes tears away* No, you deliciously defective dope. They're for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me: Yes, thought so. And - do please bear in mind that I am reluctant to ask this - why?

MS: Well, my little brain-scrambled friend, today is the day that we celebrate our very significant others. The date we cherish and reward those who permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being.

Me: *grits teeth* If by ‘permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being’, you essentially mean ‘just won’t go away’ then yes, I guess that is you.

MS: I know! Fabulous isn’t it? Never mind these *gestures at pile of gifts on the floor* just think what I’ve brought you in the 15 years we’ve been together. 

Me:*drops head into lap* And what, exactly, have you brought me in those special years?

MS: Well, if you didn’t have me, you obviously wouldn’t have experienced the high adrenaline thrills of losing control of parts of your body at totally inappropriate times…

Me: Errr…

MS: ….the exciting challenge of huge life decisions involving all that really important stuff like work and children and money, the late-night ambulance rides and LOADS of thrilling medical tests that – if you had to pay for them – would bankrupt you, yet you get them all free…

Me: Errrrrrmmm….

MS: ….the bracing freedom of having to tell complete strangers your personal medical details, the character building admin of appointments/insurance/official claim forms and applications, the indulgence of spending days in bed because you just can’t move, the early independence of letting your daughter do things without you because you're wholly incapable….

Me: *mouth agape*

MS: …..close your mouth please, cherub, we are not a codfish.

Me: And in what world, is any of that a good thing? Seriously what has any of that proven? I can’t believe that you have the barefaced cheek to waltz in here like a diabolical Lady Bountiful and start throwing the contents of your entirely appalling Pandora’s Box in my face.

MS: *pouting* Bit OTT. Come now my little grump muffin, let’s not fight, It’s Valentine’s Day.

Me: *muttering* Nothing, that’s what it’s given me, nothing.

MS: *huffing* Actually, I think you’ll find it’s shown you the strength you didn’t know you had, the patience you always needed and the courage you always doubted.

Me: Hmm, okay. I’ll give you that.

MS: And it’s also made abundantly clear the love that surrounds you.

Me: Okay, well, er, thanks.

MS: Seeeeee, and you wouldn’t know all that if it wasn’t for meeee. Seriously I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Me: Bit misleading.

MS: Don’t be ungrateful. *gathers up flowers, chocolates and balloons* See you soon my luscious life partner and perhaps I’ll bring you another one of my unexpected treats next time.

Me: I’d rather you didn’t. *starts Googling divorce lawyers*

:: Bad valentine

Love to hate you

Me: *drinking tea, reading peacefully*

MS: *crashing noisily through door, arms full of heart-shaped balloons, chocolates and flowers*

Me: *sighing, marking page in book* Oh hello.

MS: *opening arms wide, dropping gifts everywhere* Hiiiiiiya.

Me: Subtle entrance as ever, I see.

MS: Now, now, don’t be like that. No sarcasm today. For today is the day that I, yes I, represent love! Kindness! Appreciation! And also chocolates.

Me: *suspiciously* Well, that’s nice. Any reason?

MS: Duuurrrrr. It’s Valentine’s Day, you dope and I bring the love. All the love. I am an incurable romantic.

Me: You're incurable. There's a difference. *think, narrows eyes* Stupid question, but these presents - are they for me?

MS: *laughs hysterically, slaps thighs, wipes tears away* No, you deliciously defective dope. They're for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me: Yes, thought so. And - do please bear in mind that I am reluctant to ask this - why?

MS: Well, my little brain-scrambled friend, today is the day that we celebrate our very significant others. The date we cherish and reward those who permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being.

Me: *grits teeth* If by ‘permanently and consistently enrich our innermost being’, you essentially mean ‘just won’t go away’ then yes, I guess that is you.

MS: I know! Fabulous isn’t it? Never mind these *gestures at pile of gifts on the floor* just think what I’ve brought you in the 14 years we’ve been together. Oooh, 14, that’s lovely isn’t it? Matches today’s date and everything. It’s like we were meant to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Me:*drops head into lap* And what, exactly, have you brought me in those special years?

MS: Well, if you didn’t have me, you obviously wouldn’t have experienced the high adrenaline thrills of losing control of parts of your body at totally inappropriate times…

Me: Errr…

MS: ….the exciting challenge of huge life decisions involving all that really important stuff like work and children and money, the late-night ambulance rides and LOADS of thrilling medical tests that – if you had to pay for them – would bankrupt you, yet you get them all free…

Me: Errrrrrmmm….

MS: ….the bracing freedom of having to tell complete strangers your personal medical details, the character building admin of appointments/insurance/official claim forms and applications, the indulgence of spending days in bed because you just can’t move, the early independence of letting your daughter do things without you because you're wholly incapable….

Me: *mouth agape*

MS: …..close your mouth please, cherub, we are not a codfish.

Me: And in what world, is any of that a good thing? Seriously what has any of that proven? I can’t believe that you have the barefaced cheek to waltz in here like a diabolical Lady Bountiful and start throwing the contents of your entirely appalling Pandora’s Box in my face.

MS: *pouting* Bit OTT. Come now my little grump muffin, let’s not fight, It’s Valentine’s Day.

Me: *muttering* Nothing, that’s what it’s given me, nothing.

MS: *huffing* Actually, I think you’ll find it’s shown you the strength you didn’t know you had, the patience you always needed and the courage you always doubted.

Me: Hmm, okay. I’ll give you that.

MS: And it’s also made abundantly clear the love that surrounds you.

Me: Okay, well, er, thanks.

MS: Seeeeee, and you wouldn’t know all that if it wasn’t for meeee. Seriously I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

Me: Bit misleading.

MS: Don’t be ungrateful. *gathers up flowers, chocolates and balloons* See you soon my luscious life partner and perhaps I’ll bring you another one of my unexpected treats next time.

Me: I’d rather you didn’t. *starts Googling divorce lawyers*

:: Love to hate you by Erasure