Reasons to be cheerful, part 3

It's been nice, hasn't it, this unexpected sunny weather?

Not for all us, I appreciate. Not for anyone with heat intolerance or anyone stuck in an office facing an unassailable pile of spreadsheets while silently weeping at the loveliness of the outside world, but on the whole after what seemed like an endless freeze, it's been really nice.

We've dipped back to normal April temperatures now, but for three glorious days last week, the weather gave us a glimpse of summer promise and forced us to make the most of it (even around the spreadsheets.)

I am in the fortunate position of being able to work from home, so reading documents in the garden, walking my daughter to school before opening my emails or even pegging the washing out inbetween tasks has been deeply lovely.

And it was my concerted efforts at grabbing the fleeting moments of sunshiney joy that made me consider how rubbish I generally am at appreciating the moment.

I know it's something we're constantly being reminded to do and there's a billion and one guides telling us how to do it, but IT IS VERY HARD, actually.

It's very hard among the work worries, the family plans, the emotional toll and physical constraints of illness, the financial concerns, the news fear, the outside pressures and the failure to be aware of what on earth a Milkshake Duck* is.

And this is from someone in the very privileged position of having a family, good friends, interesting work and being relatively stable (in the scheme of 14 MS filled years) health-wise.

So firstly, I need to count my blessings, and secondly, I need to properly appreciate them. Not everyone is in this position.

But how to appreciate? I found these five pointers through Google (the internet loves a list.)

The article recommends being mindful of your surroundings, beginning your day with affirmations, ending your day on a positive note, being curious and savouring the ordinary.

This would seem to make sense.

So I'm starting small, taking time to notice what's around me. Turns out there is a remarkable amount to appreciate.

The view of our garden (even the overgrown parts), the taste of my favourite tea, the sound of my daughter laughing, the smell of morning air.

The next page in my book, the last of the Easter chocolate, the song for this week, an over-the-fence waft of next door's tempting barbecue selection.

A cool shower, cats on my lap, lunch with a friend, stretching out at the end of the day. 
Not currently relapsing

It's all there for me to embrace, yet it's not always easy to do so - there are many distracting thoughts lining up to bash into my bubble. But like a long-forgotten muscle, I'm hoping my ability to appreciate will only get stronger with use.

:: Reasons to to be cheerful, part 3 by Ian Dury and The Blockheads

*One of last year's words of the year, apparently. I am so old.

Stupid girl

I'm reasonably competent. At least, most of the time.

I can function fairly well in company, I can generally navigate the supermarket (even if they INSIST on moving the yoghurts every time I visit) and I can sometimes get a couple of the answers on BBC 2's boffin-fest Only Connect and then feel super smug for the rest of the evening.

But I'm not sure if I'm quite as with-it as I was when I passed my degree, or when my brain worked on super-speed as a reporter filing court copy up against deadline, or if I'm even simply as mentally able as I was a year or so ago.

Because a nosedive in cognitive function is just one of the many distressing aspects of life with MS and a lot of people experience frightening and frustrating impacts on learning and memory, attention, concentration and mental speed, problem solving and word finding.

So, pretty much everything it takes to get through the day.

Issues are, like most things MS-ey, generally caused by inflammation and lesions in the brain interrupting the transmission of electrical messages along nerve fibres, reducing the speed and accuracy of the information.

My word-finding and mental speed are noticeably worse when I'm tired, have been concentrating for long stretches of time, if I'm surrounded by a lot of noise or after being particularly physically active. They're also a bit rubbish if I'm particularly emotional – so any complex problem solving in the run-up to my period is an absolute no-go.

This cognitive carnage is (literally) on my mind at the moment as I have recently ended one form of employment and am embarking on another quite exciting one.

While some aspects of the new role are very familiar, there are many that are completely new and what is concerning me is whether I am still as able as I was 14 years ago before MS introduced its roadblocks in my brain?

Can my beleaguered Numskulls still find their way around the disrupted neural pathways to make the links and retain the learning that will make me any kind of decent prospect?

I don't know. I can only hope. And, to try and relive the pressure, I'm doing my best to take it day-by-day.

Speaking of which, cognitive results from this week:

• Times achieved a one-hour drive to new workplace: one (Success!)
• Percentage of new techie detail taken in at first work meeting: approx 70% (Not bad!)
• Numbers of minutes spent wandering around the house looking for watch with watch already on wrist: seven (Oh dear.*)

There is some really useful information plus explanations, support and coping strategies in this information sheet from the MS Trust 

:: Stupid girl by Garbage

*In my defence, I was wearing long sleeves.

Postcard

We’re on our Easter hols in Cornwall. How lovely.

::Postcard by Eddi Reader

(In my former life as a reporter I once interviewed Eddi Reader. In a deeply appropriate name-to-event experience she was embarking on a tour of bookshops.)

9-5

Work. It’s an interesting balance.

Generally I like it. And I am very appreciative of the fact that, generally speaking, I can still manage it.

On the other hand, on bad days (or bad weeks or months), it’s an almost impossibility.

And as of last week, its become an actual impossibility as I was made redundant.

This wasn’t a shock. I worked for an organisation which supports some of the most vulnerable in our society - but, by the nature of its work, is an organisation that needs support. Quite a lot of it financial.

And there’s not a lot of that about. Or at least not where it's most needed.

The announcement of the swingeing cuts - and inevitable redundancies - that were being made was given at a roadshow* last year. So since then I’ve been trying to prepare for what this might mean for my future working life.

Thus far I’ve been lucky with work – employers have tried to understand and support me, but I know I won’t always find employment where this is the case. Or perhaps always find employment.

I’m very aware that although my professional knowledge and experience has increased vastly since I was diagnosed, so have my physical and cognitive problems.

There are many, many unfortunate things about the timing of MS, but one of the biggest is that it tends to rear its ugly head in your 20s or 30s, the age at which you’re really hoping to get your career started.

And then, as time and damage march mercilessly on, it gradually eats into your working life options. The opportunities for advancement, promotion and more income look increasingly slim.

In sitcom world being ditzy, clumsy and forgetful is amusing, charming, even endearing. In real life, you’re just a pain in the arse employment liability.

But, incredibly fortunately, an opportunity has come up that a couple of months ago I had no idea even existed.

It’s new and it’s unknown and it will involve a pretty hefty amount of adjusting, but it’s very interesting and includes the chance to use my old skills in a new way.

It’s very early days and I’m not sure how it will pan out, but it’s a chance I didn’t expect to have and I am incredibly grateful.

:: 9-5 by Dolly Parton

*I wonder what the internal thinking was behind roadshow as a name. It’s certainly logical, members of our London-based management team travel out to a number of points across the country where we have offices, programmes and projects. They are, indeed, on the road.

But to many of us the term brings to mind Radio 1 and it’s always slightly disappointing that there’s no music, whistles and/or shouty DJs involved.