Memory of the future

I can't decide if I would like to know how my MS will progress.

Do I want to know about every single problem that is heading my way? Would I like some warning on the symptoms or a heads-up on the relapses? Do I want to know the point at which I'll tip from RRMS to SPMS?

Would it be better to know in advance so I could dial down the anxiety of uncertainty and plan the practicalities accordingly? It might mean a bit of overshadowing the enjoyment of the present with the threat of the future, but at least I'd have some time to, well, brace.

Or is it better to simply carry on without that heavy knowledge? Enjoy the moment and not think about it until I absolutely have to. Not let it take over.

Would knowing when the next bolt from the blue was going to strike be better for my mental health or worse? Would constantly watching the clock gradually count down to relapse tarnish the rest of my time?

I can see the pros and cons of both arguments, I really can and I am very torn on this.

I know people with MS who are firmly in the no-awareness camp. For them, it's a case of not worrying about what might happen because it might never and even if it does, they can't do anything to stop it.

Then there are those who'd rather know. Be able to pack things in when they can, take the trips, expand their family or make the big decisions. Who have the desire to enforce certainty on huge unpredictability.

After 14 years and many relapses, I remain undecided.
I'm very much aware of the argument for simply enjoying every moment. But I think that's separate to just wanting a bit of a hint on what might be heading my way - and when.

However, the whole thing is a moot point, since although there might be prognosis indicators, MS is such an individual and contrary little bugger, we have absolutely no way of predicting for sure.

Our only option is to sashay through the good times and battle through the bad. The rest, whether willingly or not, we have to leave to the hands of fate.

:: Memory of the future by Pet Shop Boys