My silver lining

I'm having one of those horrible periods of worrying about a work thing.

Made somehow worse because I'm actually on leave this week and I'd really been looking forward to the break after being unwell with UTI-Covid-jab-reaction-shingles triple whammy.

But instead, I'm worrying.

I can quite easily get suckered down a wormhole of worry when it comes to work, despite my husband patiently talking me through why I perhaps don't need to.

But worry I do. I always have.

And I worry about work in a way that I don't when it comes to MS.

I will obsess about work - should I have done this, should I not have done that. What impact will my decisions have, what reaction will it cause. What if, what if, what if.

I obsess much less about MS.

I have often pondered about this difference - after all, of the two, it's MS that's with me longer and will hit me harder.

Perhaps that's the crux of it, perhaps it's almost too big to deal with and so out of my control, that worrying seems almost pointless.

I don't know. Perhaps the worrying about work is actually a really helpful distraction from the worrying about a cruel and relentless disease from which there is currently no escape.

Ugh.

So when put like that, perhaps I should view this current work worry as actually a (still quite rubbish) type of shiny silver lining, deflecting my attention from what is actually the much bigger issue.

:: My silver lining by First Aid Kit

Linger

In between last entry and this, I have managed to develop a UTI, swiftly followed by flipping shingles.

This is not my happy place.

The UTI was (hopefully) dealt with by antibiotics because, as anyone with MS knows, the two really do not mix.

The shingles though? GAH.

I knew that starting Cladribine meant they were likely to be a risk. And, when finishing work on Monday and getting ready for bed, I found a suspicious-looking rash across my stomach, this was my first thought.

So, next morning photos emailed to GP and neurologist have resulted in a diagnosis and antivirals.

Due to MS plus Cladribine, my neurologist has recommended a double course of antivirals so I'm currently swallowing what appear to be horse pills five times a day for fourteen days.

Feeling generally rubbish, as might be expected, as well as in a fair bit of pain. Although, weirdly, quite familiar pain as it's all the burney-stingy-sitting-on-nerves pain that MS has prepared me for so well. And so bloody thoroughly.

My main concern during this has been work and letting people down.

While what should be my main concern during this (as work has pointed out) is my health.

But it is so very, very hard to deal with this because every bit of time off work (and I had a few days recently when reacting to the Covid jab) means increased fear of being viewed as a burden, or not worthy of employing - which I already worry about as a disabled worker.

Added to which, I am currently a contractor, so don't have the security of other employees.

But panicking about all the above is not, the rational part of me knows, the best way to help myself feel better.

So for now it's a case of chugging down the (massive) tablets and hoping that neither the guilt, nor the nerve pain, lingers longer than I can face.

Pictured are the far more pleasant memorial shingles on Dobby's beach in Freshwater East. Fans of Harry Potter will know this is where the loyal elf took his final breath. We visited last summer - strangely emotional for a fictional character.

:: Linger by The Cranberries