Broken up from work for Christmas.
Grateful to have a job.
But very grateful to be able to put on jingly festive slippers and stop for a bit.
Merry Christmas to you in what has been the strangest of years.
Very best wishes for a new year significantly better than this one.
:: Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Yikes!
Yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes.
I've had my first bloods back after my first course of Cladribine. Lymphocytes are on the pretty blinkin low side.
I've just about avoided having to have any anti-viral drugs and have simply got to hope they start climbing again.
I knew they would put me at increased risk of infections but knowing how low the numbers are is pretty worrying.
So, to avoid spiralling into unhelpful panic despite what the results may say, I am trying to be both practical about what I can do to help now and positive about what this might mean for the future.
Because MS is all about the long game - and a hefty amount of hope.
The past few weeks have been a bit of a challenge.
Work has been overwhelming, friends and family have needed support and the general gloomy weather and unnerving news cycle has seemed relentless.
Then running alongside all this is the knowledge that my body is starting to fail me in new and unsettling ways.
The constant MS hug is second nature now, but nonetheless exhausting for the familiarity.
My slower thinking and reduced ability to make decisions as the day progresses and fatigue hits is more noticeable this year compared to last.
My walking, balance and dexterity have been affected. My stamina is not what it was.
And the general lack of confidence in my abilities that I've always had, is translating into exhausting emotions.
I'm pretty much running on empty all the time, but with the knowledge that the tough days are more frequent than they used to be.
And, worryingly, the fact is that this may still be the best that things can get.
While I'm not completely drowning yet, I am starting to sink. And although I've pulled myself up on quite a few occasions in the past, it's getting harder to know how to do it again.
You can go along, can't you, quite happily bumbling on feeling generally pretty ok about things.
Even when those things include a progressive illness and some boxes of drugs that turn up with 'toxic' stickers plastered over them.
Yes, you think, this is ok, it's manageable. It's my life and people are generally aware of what it means for me.
I've recently had chats with one of those people about the impact MS has on me and the difficulties it throws up for many aspects of my life.
We've talked about my new meds and the implications of what they meant - that I'm progressing more rapidly than thought, that the big drugs come with the big side effects, that there's no guarantee they will work.
That my life is a bit more complicated than it may appear on the surface.
And just when you think they may have understood, they make a throwaway comment which indicates they really haven't.
So, do you pull them up on it - or just let it go for fear of being seen as a whinger, over-reacting or someone who has thoroughly lost their hitherto reliable sense of humour?
A few years ago I might have brushed it under the carpet and carried on, not pointing out that actually that what they said was quite hurtful. Not just to me, but to others with disabilities.
This time I mentioned it.
The next morning I got an apology.
It's really, really difficult to call people out on things. It's sometimes even more difficult when it's a friend.
But if there's one thing we should all be aware of, it's that words matter and we shouldn't be afraid to speak up.
Oh, it's been a joyous week off work.
A week with husband and daughter. Slightly limited on options, but not on fun.
We've been chasing through leaves, snuggling with films, chomping on treats and laughing a lot.
It's most certainly been an appreciate-the-moment sort of week.
Oooh, it's been a couple of weeks hasn't it?
Sorry.
The reason for this is simply an incredibly busy work schedule.
I picked up a new part-time contract in the summer, which has gradually expanded to nearer full-time.
It's in the communications team of a large organisation - and one which has found itself even busier than usual due to the current horror show.
I'm there to do the 'business as usual' comms that are still going on round the edges of the crisis stuff.
And, surprisingly, there have been quite a few. It's been quite a test - although the work is familiar, the speed and volume is quite a pace on from when I last did this kind of work.
So, my MS brain struggles. I'm not with people to ask all the questions. Plus, technology.
Although it's been quite tough and I have had a fair few sleepless nights, I haven't made a total hash of it (yet) and should probably feel quite proud.
I've also done it through the stress of starting new meds, the increased worry of infection and, like the rest of us, being in the middle of AN EFFING GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
The super exciting comms things so far for me have been the launch of a new music festival and the celebration of an iconic local music venue.
It's been a delight - not least because although I am surrounded by chaos, I am also surrounded by music.
And there's nothing nicer than that.
So in honour of their confirmed appearance at the new festival, I'm paying tribute to one of the acts with this week's tune.
They were a Brit Pop fave and, after making it through the past fortnight, I do feel like I should stand a bit taller.
First week of Cladribine done. I didn't explode.
But I did feel very tired and quite wary of touching anything, especially as the pack of tablets came wrapped in yellow and black wasp-like warning stickers with TOXIC written in a most unfriendly-like manner on them.
So week one down, week two to go. That'll be later this month.
And then nothing I can do except take care of myself, avoid people with any kind of bugs and just return to the default MS position of simply hoping that they'll do some good.
:: Wishin and hopin by Dusty Springfield
