Delicate

We're in Cornwall - on a holiday originally booked and paid for in 2019.

Postponed twice, for obvious worldwide germ-fuelled reasons, but now finally here.

And it's lovely.

This trip has come with extra appreciation this year of how easily things can change. 

How fine the balance is between a yes and a no, between a can and a can't, between one day and another.

The pandemic has had such an impact on all our lives, that to be teetering out the other side seems almost surreal.

But in the place we've returned to, there are obvious differences and evidence of the toll the past two years have taken.

Some empty shops, a few higher prices, a lot more stories and the poster reminders of masks and high rates.

One place that appears to have weathered the storm is our favourite holiday activity shop where we've been painting pots.

It's lovely to sit as a family and daub paint, in varying degrees of success, on a variety of ceramics.

There are rows of plates, mugs and bowls to choose from, along with piggy banks, fairies and dragons.

So we pick our preferred items, either by usefulness or silliness or potential beauty, pick up our paintbrushes and concentrate.

We sit in the stillness and appreciate the moment for what it is. That in this moment we are content and things seem okay and we should really, really be grateful for that.

Because if the last two years have taught us anything, it's that little can be taken for granted.

And we're all at risk of a bull in a china shop.

:: Delicate by Sananda Maitreya ft Des'ree

My silver lining

Bit of a bold statement, but here we go: until I had MS, I don't think I knew how to be truly grateful.

I didn't know how to appreciate that I was feeling well.
I didn't know how to really notice what was around me.
I didn't know how to stop. And be happy just to be.

And while all of that sounds insufferably navel-gazey, it is true.

MS is generally a monumental shitshow, but if I search hard enough, there are some silver linings. And those silver lining tell me that sometimes:

• I'm allowed to stop ricocheting from pillar to post
• I'm allowed to lower my guard
• I'm allowed to sit and watch the world pass me by

I haven't let go of all the fear, I haven't stopped worrying, I won't escape an irrational sense of guilt. But I don't have to feel like that all the time.

And when I don't, I am allowed to appreciate it.

:: My silver lining by First Aid Kit

Possessed

So, this is unusual.

I've had a real run of energy and optimism over the past few weeks and have been able to function reasonably well at both work and home.

It's a bit odd. I'm pretty sure it's not caffeine-fulled (although with the amount of buckets of tea I get through in a day it should be) nor is it because I've suddenly cracked the puzzle of how to get that magical, elusive, sleep that actually refreshes rather than the usual type that doesn't particularly make a difference.

I don't know the reason and I almost feel I shouldn't analyse it too much incase I spoil it.

Quite a lot of my years with MS have involved tracking and tracing and questioning and planning. Calculating the balance, looking for answers and chasing the theories.

Quite a lot of my years pre-MS involved the same, just for different reasons.
It's become second nature, I think it's just part of who I am.

But this time, I'm trying really hard to purely accept and enjoy and appreciate.

It's honestly not easy for me, but just for the moment, I'm trying to shut my racing brain up and simply be grateful.

:: Possessed by Vegas