Good vibrations

Oh my word.

I have some time off work. I haven't had a week without work (not complaining) since Christmas and I am shattered.

I'm honestly massively, massively grateful to be in work - due to a) Covid and b) MS, but I am very, very tired and I need to rest.

Obviously am now panicking about relapsing but am trying very hard to THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS and embrace calming vibrations.

So I will be staring at the happy balloons, drinking a cup of nice tea and trying to bat away any panicky sensations of doom which may be thinking of heading my way.

:: Good vibrations by the Beach Boys

Don't speak

Unexpectedly, I have picked up some new work while in lockdown.

This is great, obviously, but also quite scary. I'm trying to pick up new stuff via technology I've not used before with people I can't meet.

It means all those new-work questions that you can usually grab someone and ask in the kitchen, now have to be via email/Teams calls or chats.

And it's a VERY busy team so I have no way of knowing when I'm interrupting people as there are no in-person clues.

It's work similar to that I've done before, but not for a very long time and I'm both out of practice and out of confidence. Plus my memory is not what it once was.

As such, I have found myself getting quite stressed out (never a good plan for MS) and very tired.

Both of these states of affairs combined last week into a Teams meeting in which I had spectacular MS word vomit.

Words were there - but not necessarily in the right order.
Meanings were clear in my head - just not necessarily once they left my mouth.
Hands were flapping - trying desperately to form representations of what I was trying to articulate.

It wasn't a good impression. And there was absolutely no chance of styling it out in a Virginia Woolf-esque stream of consciousness.

Oh no.

Trying to take a breath and ask myself some key questions:

Could it be going worse? Well, yes.
Could it be going better? Unquestionably.
Could I do it via mime? Tempting.

:: Don't speak by No Doubt

Overload

Oh dear, I think I've been taking too much on.

What with work, half-term socialising, trick-or-treating, bonfire parties and constructing a Crystal Maze game for the family (as you do) I am in danger of overbalancing.

Not the physical wobble (although there is a risk of that) but overbalancing the precarious MS seesaw.

The one that keeps everything just about in check as long as you learn not to push your luck. Not to take that extra call, plan that extra activity or enjoy that one more late night.

You see, with MS, we all know that the sensible thing is to pace ourselves.

But with MS, we all know the over-riding panic is do it now or we may never be able to.

I don't know at what point I am going to learn to balance the two. But if I haven't learned it in nearly 15 years of living with this energy-zapping disease, I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Probably worth some proper consideration.

But can't stop now. Things to do. While I can.

:: Overload - Alfie Zappacosta